Unexamined Needs
The 3rd Yama: Asteya
Asteya (pronounced ah-STAY-uh) translates to “non-stealing” - another yogic tenet that seems pretty obvious on the surface. The basic premise of asteya is “don’t take that which isn’t yours”, a concept that’s easily applied to things: don’t take someone else’s possessions, don’t shoplift, don’t embezzle money, etc.
The idea of “non-stealing”, however, applies to more than just objects. We steal or take from ourselves and others all the time, in various ways; for example:
wasting people’s time with chronic lateness
stealing another’s spotlight or thunder with habitual one-upping in conversation
claiming someone else’s idea as our own
“keeping up with the Joneses”: striving to attain what someone else has or resenting them for having what we do not is energetically stealing, whether or not the other person is aware of it - in this way, examining and releasing emotions like jealousy and envy are part of the practice of asteya
hoarding behaviors: amassing, accumulating, etc., from a place of fear or anxiety as opposed to true need
The deeper intention of asteya revolves around the question of why we take in the first place. On one side of the coin we have desire, need, want; on the other side of that coin is a feeling of lack. Asteya isn’t about survival-based needs, like a starving person stealing a loaf of bread. As a spiritual practice, asteya is asking us to recognize and grapple with the unexamined and unresolved dynamic between desire and lack in ourselves. We learn to identify the emotional hole we’re trying to fill by taking and how to complete ourselves from within.
In practicing asteya, we take a hard look at our behaviors of taking and trace them back to the reasons - what need is this action fulfilling? A good example of the inner complexities that asteya reveals comes from a client I worked with years ago. She would always serve herself more food than her husband. For years, they laughed at her quirky behavior, until she realized it was a compulsion: when she would attempt dish out equal portions, she felt an urgent anxiety rise up internally. Through much introspection, she began to recognize that this behavior and the fear behind it stemmed from her childhood. Having grown up with neglect and uncertainty in many foster homes before being adopted into a large family, she had developed a deep-rooted sense of scarcity. She often didn’t have enough to eat or lived in environments where she felt she had to grab at what was on the table in order to get her fair share. As she became more aware of this unconscious conditioning, she was able to address that root cause - a deep sense of insecurity and lack - and portion sizes became less of a trigger for her.
To use a more hypothetical example of a chronically late person stealing time from others: when they look at why they’re always late, they may recognize that they feel truly overextended and exhausted. They don’t really want to be going to yet another thing and end up taking their time to get there because, deep down, they feel the need for some “me” time and this is a way of getting it. Or, perhaps they grew up in a household where they were ignored and end up acting out an unconscious lack/need/desire for attention by “making an entrance”, perhaps with a horror story about traffic, to ensure they’re noticed.”Stealing” behaviors may have various root causes and our work in practicing asteya is to dig deep and uncover what we feel we’re lacking.
We also steal from ourselves in subtle ways. In the previous example, the overextended person is robbing themselves of much-needed R&R time by overcommitting themselves. In our culture, we often rob ourselves of self-care by continually putting it on the back-burner or by zoning out and disconnecting (perhaps in front of the TV with a glass of wine) instead of genuinely recharging ourselves (with a walk in nature or an extra hour of sleep).
A common way we steal from ourselves is to mentally live in the past or future, ruminating on our mistakes or stressing about what may happen, instead of living in the present. We miss out on moments of connection with a friend or our child - while they’re talking, we’re mentally going through the grocery list or planning out the week ahead. We waste our energy and stress ourselves out worrying about long-term outcomes instead of enjoying whatever we’re doing in the moment.
All said, there are many potential reasons for any behavior we engage in that is energetically stealing from ourselves or others. The inner work in practicing asteya is to
become aware of our stealing behaviors
figure out why we do them, what need they are fulfilling
find ways to serve our own needs that don’t negatively impact others or ourselves
Practicing Asteya on the Mat
Of all the yamas and niyamas, asteya is arguably the trickiest to put into practice on the mat, but there are several things you can examine in your on-the-mat experience (**I’m considering in-studio experiences and virtual class experiences here, every aspect may not apply depending on your circumstances):
Timeliness: Are you always late to class? How much commotion do you create as you enter? Examine why you’re late; do what you can to mitigate circumstantial lateness and address any lack-related lateness internally. Enter quietly, waiting until initial meditation is over and create as little disturbance as possible so as not to “steal” other’s attention and their own experience of their practice.
Attention: Where is your mind during practice? Do you miss cues because you’re having an internal argument with yourself, stressing about work, planning out the rest of the day? Are you overanalyzing the last cue and miss the next? Does your internal dialogue take away from the experience of being present in the moment? This, of course, is the practice of yoga, in general - learning to be present - but the steps we take to practice that involve asteya: recognizing when we’re stealing from our own experience because of an unconscious need that isn’t being addressed.
Practicing Asteya with Yourself
Look at all the ways in which you may steal from yourself and examine the underlying need in you that isn’t being fulfilled. That’s obviously a huge undertaking, but here are some suggestions of questions to start asking yourself in your attempt to link your behaviors to their root needs:
Do you shut yourself down to gain approval or acceptance? Do you avoid social interactions that you deeply want to engage in out of fear? In what ways do you steal opportunities for connection from yourself?
Do you have a habit of giving up? Do you tell yourself “it’s not going to work out, so I won’t even try”? Consider all the ways you self-sabotage - the ultimate stealing from oneself - and feel out why you do it. Is there a belief that the world isn’t on your side? Is there a fear of success? Is it because you don’t believe in yourself? Trace these beliefs and feelings back through your life and uncover their roots.
Do you drain and overextend yourself regularly? Does it make you feel needed and loved? Do you feel you don’t know what to do with yourself when you’re alone? Do you feel obligated by other’s requests?
Do you ignore your body’s basic needs? Do you continue to stay up late or choose not to nap even though you’re tired? Do you ignore hunger pangs until you’re starving? Do you hold your bladder until you’re bursting? Examine what keeps you from giving your body what it’s asking for.
Are there piles of stuff around the house/garage/storage that you have no clue what’s in them? Do you have collections that get in the way of harmonious living, but you can’t bear the thought of getting rid of them? What is the feeling that brings up?
Practicing Astera with Others
Besides not taking what isn’t yours, look for the little ways in which you can apply asteya as a self-awareness tool. As illustrated by my client’s journey with food and serving sizes, the small acts of “stealing” can seem innocuous on the surface, but with some digging, bring to light our unconscious desires and needs so we can process the emotions instead of being captive to them. The ways in which we may steal are so varied that it’d be impossible to suggest them all, but here are a few things to consider:
Do you take over conversations until they become a monologue? When someone shares something they feel is important, do you take that as an opportunity to talk about yourself? Do you truly listen, or do you start formulating your own thoughts while they’re speaking and simply wait until there’s a chance for you to say your piece?
Are there circumstances in which you always feel you deserve special treatment or more than others? Do you insist everyone else play by the rules, but feel you have just cause to break them?
Do you use petty cash at work with the thought that you’ll replace it later? Do you take plants or rocks home from a nature reserve? Do you leave your popcorn bag under the seat in the movie theatre for someone else to clean up? Think of all the ways you may take or steal from others, whether it’s time, money, energy, things - the list of what’s possible to steal is endless, so pay attention in your life and get curious about your actions and their root causes!
Keep in mind, as you practice asteya, that this isn’t a moral code you’re adhering to. If you see yourself reflected in these examples, it doesn’t mean you’re a “bad person”; and practicing asteya doesn’t make you a “good person”. The yamas and niyamas are simply about union, becoming whole in body, mind, and spirit. They’re a toolkit to help us get clear on who we are, understand why we do what we do, and become less encumbered by our unconscious baggage.
As always, I’d love to hear your reflections on asteya and any moments of self-awareness this practice brings you!