Letting Go
The 5th Yama: Aparigraha
Aparigraha /ah-pah-REE-grah-hah/ translates to “non-grasping” or “non-possessiveness”. It’s the fundamental yogic principle of “letting go” - which sounds easy enough, but actually requires consistent, deep self-inquiry in practice. There are may ways to apply aparigraha in life and practice: as it relates to possessions, thoughts, beliefs, emotional reactions, and even the body.
In thought, aparigrapha is the practice of letting go of obsession, ruminating, neediness, possessiveness, and jealousy. That’s a big ask. What all of these states have in common is that they are outwardly focused. That is, there’s an external object or outcome that we’re desiring and believe would complete us in some way. For example, wishing a conversation had gone differently and replaying it over and over in our minds: what we’re really seeking is the experience of being seen, understood, or validated by the other person. Or, for example, the jealousy we experience when a coworker is promoted over us: besides the understandable desire for a raise (which is a survival need for most of us in the socioeconomic structure in which we live), there’s often an underlying desire to feel recognized as important, to feel valuable and seen. When we pare back the desires and needs we have (beyond basic survival needs), it usually boils down to wanting others to value, respect, love, and appreciate us for who we are.
Even the accumulation of “stuff” as a display of wealth and success stems from this desire. Aparigraha asks us to let go of possessions - or, perhaps, more pointedly, to let go of the self-affirming value we place in our possessions. It calls into question the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality, accumulation as outward symbolism of our self-worth. It’s a practice of examining our hoarding tendencies and doing the emotional work to free ourselves from the compulsion to hold onto things. We want to be seen as successful, intelligent, driven, talented, etc., because if others see us this way, it validates our existence. We must be worth something if we have things that are worth something. We must be worth something if we’ve achieved a status that others desire.
This is what is referred to as “grasping”: the unconscious belief that we are not enough as we are; the belief that we can only be fulfilled by something outside of ourselves. Aparigraha asks us to address the emotional need that is the root of our grasping by recognizing that we are inherently valuable. Through practicing aparigraha, we learn to recognize 1) when we’re grasping and 2) what we truly need: attention, returned affection, validation, support, etc.
Of course, we are human and humans are social creatures who absolutely thrive on community support, love, and acceptance! It always feels good to be loved and appreciated by those we love and appreciate. The line drawn here is when our own sense of self-worth and value is inextricably linked to others’ perceptions and how they interact with us. When we believe that their perceptions (whether they see us, love us, appreciate us, support us) determine our actual lovability and worth, we’ve moved into a state of need or grasping with others instead of into relationship with ourselves.
Once we understand what we’re grasping for and why, we can learn how to source it from within. In a sense, the “letting go of grasping” that aparigraha demands is actually “filling ourselves up”. Grasping is a reaching out for support, acceptance, and love; when we let go of grasping as if it were a lifeline, we can start looking inward and learn how to support, accept, and love ourselves.
As with all of these yamas, there is so much more that can be said about “letting go”! What are some ways you’ve experienced this practice in your life?